I stand at the edge of a steep cliff. I’ve been hanging out here for awhile. On occasion, I’ll peer over and down into the swirling abyss below. But I’m not ready to step forward. Not yet.
I’ve been here before. Last time, I was being pursued by dogma and made the choice between being swallowed up by religion or risking an encounter with the vast cloud of Unknowing. I chose the latter, and here I am, proving I survived to tell the story.
So, how did I get back here?
I know I need to trust God and step forward. I just… I don’t know.
I’m kind of waiting for God to nudge me– or just shove me over the ledge– “Whoops! Sorry! /Not sorry, this is for your own good…”
But He hasn’t. And He won’t.
Last time I sought this relationship of perfect trust in God, with God, was out of my own desperation. But this time, I’m not desperate. I’m just…. tired.
I’m tired of living in a world that is relentless in trying to persuade me that my true value lies in the size of my bank account, the size of my house, the size of my boobs, and then the lack of debt I can brag about while I pursue enlarging them all. A world where the only people whose thoughts and opinions matter are those that were able to exchange years of their lives and tens of thousands of dollars for official letters to be tacked onto their name. A world where you don’t even have to have an education, because you can just starve yourself thin, get some plastic surgery and a spray tan, and voila! You are a celebrity and your opinion trumps all of those that worked their arses off to become actual experts in their respective fields.
I’m tired of corporate personhood, cross-fit, and crop dusting, because all three are built upon the lie that we are to own and dominate the physical world, and out-compete the “others”. Even if it means harming ourselves and others.
I’m really tired of standing by and watching the world hurt.
I have a feeling I’ll be standing on this ledge for a while longer….I can’t seem to find a way to summon the trust I need to let go and let God be God. Not that God needs my permission or that I’d do a better job navigating this life on my own…I just know that I’d never intentionally steer my ship into the rocks. Which is pretty much how I’m feeling about the whole call to ministry/Seminary experience. There is no way in hell I’d want a repeat of that misery.
So, God…. I guess we are at an impasse. Or, maybe You’ve led me up here for a well- deserved rest. In any case, I can’t say I’m enjoying the view.