Three months later

I have a hard time talking about the pregnancy we lost back in January. It’s not that I didn’t grieve. It’s that this grief has been overshadowed by our Seminary experience. And leaving the church. And the religious identity crisis that followed. 

Maybe the heartache that has been visited and revisited by my family this past year isn’t due to the handiwork of a God that doesn’t play fair… Maybe it’s due to the fact that I am stubborn. I liked my illusions. My half-truths. They served me quite well until disaster struck. I told God I wanted Truth, I got Truth. Too much Truth.

I can’t go back to the ambitious, driven spit-fire I once was. The shades of gray are no longer distinguishable. They swirl together like storm clouds as a funnel forms to finger the earth below. No one is good. Not even me.

I need God now more than I ever thought I would. And He’s there, always ready to guide my thoughts into new ways of living life in shades of gray. I don’t always see His hand in my life, but I know that when it counts, I’ll see clearly enough to follow His lead.

I still see color. I see it in those momentary glimpses of Eternity where all is vibrant and pulsating with the joy of life. The pleasant foreshadowing of Life beyond this one. I can’t stay in those moments, but oh how I wish I could.

I don’t hate the people that have hurt me. I won’t hurt them back, and I don’t blame them either. This world is a painful place to grow up in. Everyone of us carries scars. But this world is not all there is. If you knew the reality of what lies ahead, you wouldn’t have hurt me. If only you’d let God show you what He has in store! I have only seen bits and pieces, scattered piecemeal throughout my life. From what I’ve seen, it’s nothing short of AMAZING. 

Perhaps that’s why my grief is different this time. After losing Ezra, my perspective is different. We will meet again. And hopefully, you will be there too. 

 “And they will hammer their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not lift up sword against nation, And never again will they learn war.” Isaiah 2:4b (NASB)


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6 thoughts on “Three months later

  1. We left our church three months ago and I have also had a faith crisis. I can somewhat relate to your feelings. I don’t hate them but I find myself feeling angry because of how they treated us.

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    1. Anger is a very useful emotion. It prevents us from assenting to our own abuse. I will always feel a tinge of anger when reflecting upon how we were treated. It’s what will prevent the same hurt from happening all over again. Thanks so much for sharing your comments. You are not alone. The church hides it’s evil. It’s why it can be so hurtful. At least out in the world, they don’t pretend to be aligned with God, lol

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      1. It does feel very weird to not be apart of a church. My Christian friends still go to church. I grew up in the church and have always functioned in it. It’s very strange to be “alone”. Today I just told a story to a friend and realized how mad I still was about it. I talk to one person who still goes there but she sees me as a person who has lost her way. I see her as a person who is sucked in a cult. Makes me question my sanity at times. I don’t know know. I just have to remember who I am in Christ. It’s hard when the church shames you for leaving.

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      2. It is indeed very hard. Last week, a woman from our church ran into my husband at the gas station. She tied into him about us “using” their congregation. As if, in our leaving, we took something of theirs that belonged to them.
        I have not always been church going. I encountered a lot of spiritual abuses in the churches I grew up in, and it took a decade of just me and God before I felt ready to go back. And then, of course, I was burned again… But my point is, don’t go to church for the sake of going to church. Only go there if you can see Christ a little clearer through your involvement in that Church. If it muddies your view, don’t be afraid to leave again– the church is to serve others in Christ. If it stops showing Christ to you, it’s no longer a true church.

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      3. Yes I agree. I think that’s awful that this person said that! That’s very cultish. I haven’t sworn off the church but at this point I can’t bring myself to go back.

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      4. God will let you know the time to return and the place He has in mind for you. Just remember though, when it comes to what the Spirit leads us to, the outcome of that experience may not be what we expected. But it will always be for our ultimate good:)

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