I have a hard time talking about the pregnancy we lost back in January. It’s not that I didn’t grieve. It’s that this grief has been overshadowed by our Seminary experience. And leaving the church. And the religious identity crisis that followed.
Maybe the heartache that has been visited and revisited by my family this past year isn’t due to the handiwork of a God that doesn’t play fair… Maybe it’s due to the fact that I am stubborn. I liked my illusions. My half-truths. They served me quite well until disaster struck. I told God I wanted Truth, I got Truth. Too much Truth.
I can’t go back to the ambitious, driven spit-fire I once was. The shades of gray are no longer distinguishable. They swirl together like storm clouds as a funnel forms to finger the earth below. No one is good. Not even me.
I need God now more than I ever thought I would. And He’s there, always ready to guide my thoughts into new ways of living life in shades of gray. I don’t always see His hand in my life, but I know that when it counts, I’ll see clearly enough to follow His lead.
I still see color. I see it in those momentary glimpses of Eternity where all is vibrant and pulsating with the joy of life. The pleasant foreshadowing of Life beyond this one. I can’t stay in those moments, but oh how I wish I could.
I don’t hate the people that have hurt me. I won’t hurt them back, and I don’t blame them either. This world is a painful place to grow up in. Everyone of us carries scars. But this world is not all there is. If you knew the reality of what lies ahead, you wouldn’t have hurt me. If only you’d let God show you what He has in store! I have only seen bits and pieces, scattered piecemeal throughout my life. From what I’ve seen, it’s nothing short of AMAZING.
Perhaps that’s why my grief is different this time. After losing Ezra, my perspective is different. We will meet again. And hopefully, you will be there too.
“And they will hammer their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not lift up sword against nation, And never again will they learn war.” Isaiah 2:4b (NASB)