Honestly…

I’ve been feeling twisted in knots. As we try to discern the right path for us as individuals, and as a family unit. So much pressure to choose wisely…the livelihood of 6 people depend upon it!

Having made what now feels like an error of cataclysmic proportions in our choice to attend Seminary at this time last year…. We are now treading lightly. And with extreme caution. Lest we have life blow up in our faces again…

I really want to blame someone for this enduring psychic pain. Because our Seminary experience still haunts me. I cringe whenever people talk about God. I feel physically ill whenever something in the present triggers memories of that recent past. 

That’s the real reason I want to move out of state. To escape any and all reminders of our time at Seminary. 

What’s worse is having to ask myself how I can continue to be a Christian in a world where, throughout my life, it has been Christians that have betrayed, harassed, attacked, and abandoned me. That is what now comes to mind when I think of Christians. 

And, if that is a Christian, how can I still relate to the religion?

Honestly, I can’t. Not anymore. 

Do I have to align myself with any one set of religious beliefs? 

I have such disdain for the label of Christian now. That might horrify you, but I have to be true to my own experience. I’m the only one that can!

I love God, with all my heart.

 That hasn’t changed one bit.  But the church that claims to gather in His name is full of vipers.  I’m afraid they have poisoned me, and I cannot find the antidote.

Can I follow Christ without the baggage that comes along with adhering to the religion of Christianity? 

That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing here… And I think it’s ‘working’…

 I mean, I feel enough interior peace to be able to blog about my true thoughts and feelings. That has to say something, that I don’t feel compelled to hide from God or other people.  

I haven’t avenged myself. (Yet…) I have a searing sense of justice. And I’ve chosen to give voice to it rather than act on impulse. That’s good, right?

I’ve managed to hold life together, even when I felt like I was falling apart. 

I did those things. 

Not a church, not my religion, ME. 

If it hadn’t been for my church and my religion?

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2 thoughts on “Honestly…

  1. Can’t blame you for being honest. What it means to be a Christian has been lost with the values of the world decreasing and those that claim to being Christian who take the lead amongst us are the biggest hypocrites of them all. Just remember what Jesus said about not all those who claim to have faith in him will be recognized by him. Although they may seem holy and do powerful works in his name, doesn’t mean they are acceptable to his Father, especially for the fact they don’t even know his Father to begin with. Matthew 7:21

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    1. Thank you for your comments!

      I’m the first to admit to my process being one of dis-illusionment. Jesus absolutely warned of those coming in His name that are but wolves in sheep’s clothing. In fact, before Seminary, someone close to me shared a prophetic dream with a message for me: “beware of the vipers”. I chose to be blind to the warnings, and it’s largely my fault for ending up were I did– back in the arms of God. Which, is exactly where I started, lol!

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