Leading with my Heart -or- My purification through Hope.

If I had to sum up my adult life in one sentence, it would be: 

“My search for a life lived with my whole heart.”

My search for this life, has been a very messy one. It has required that I’ve faced down everything that stands in the way of my being authentically, completely me. 

It has forced me to confront my own pain. To grieve my own losses. To define and defend my own boundaries. To recognize my own limits and insecurities.  

And it all started with the refusal to find a sense of my own worth by comparing myself with other people. 

It is an act of defiance to reject cultural messages of success. To refuse to fit one’s self in a box made by others. 

The beautiful result is that I find I no longer have to fit other people into neat schematic categories either. 

I’ve stumbled into a new found freedom. One that allows me to be me without fear, and to love others just as they are–not how I would have them to be. 

I think, this might be my own, unique incarnation of what Theologians refer to as Christian Freedom. 

Indeed, this whole process came about through my faith in Christ. It has been grounded fully in my personal revelation of God’s perfect love for humankind. Me included!

His gentle voice has led me from being the girl paralyzed with anxiety and fear of punishment, to the woman that has full confidence in her Lord. 

I thank God for that. For all of the times I felt too weak to carry on. Too discouraged to find the motivation to love myself as He loves me. Because everytime I fell at His feet in surrender, I found myself imbued with new strength. His strength. His Love for me is my strength. 

“See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and that is what we are. The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now; what we will be has not yet been revealed. What we do know is this: when he is revealed, we will be like him, for we will see him as he is. And all who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure.”

1 John 3:1-3 (NRSV)

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5 thoughts on “Leading with my Heart -or- My purification through Hope.

    1. Most definitely:)

      I had this moment of clarity a few months ago. When I felt so dissatisfied with what I’ve done so far with my life… And I came to the conclusion that nothing I could do would bring the satisfaction I crave. Because my dissatisfaction stems from being human in a world where the One that my heart yearns for resides in hidden places and in secret. The Song of Songs has become more steeped in meaning for me– the longing is not only my own. He longs for me too. And for the day when there is no longer a need to be hidden or in secret.

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  1. That my longing for God, and my relationship with Christ looks a lot like a clandestine love affair, seems so scandalous, lol! So be it. The Church is the bride, and Christ our Bridegroom. So I think it fitting to use romantic imagery to convey the nature of my personal experience. Even if it would raise some eyebrows;)

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