Everyday Bread

Our family prays the Lord’s Prayer every night. 

Even our youngest, at 3 years old, recites every word from memory. Although he has yet to give up the habit of praying to “Our Father, who art in Kevin…” Kevin is a family friend studying for ordained ministry, so, “in heaven” or “in Kevin”, same difference;)

Every night, without fail,  my attention focuses on our request for our daily bread. I never can quite pray that line whole-heartedly. And I totally feel guilty over it.

I am never content with my daily bread. 

Ok, not never. There have been a few stretches in my adult life where I’ve been able to experience sheer joy in the present moment, and embrace each day with grateful zeal.

But that hasn’t been the case for me in quite some time…

Now the weight of ever-present bills, the daily needs of my children, the constant barrage of housework, and the fact that there really isn’t any part of my life lived for me at the moment… That steals my joy. 

The bills somehow get paid, my kids have survived thus far, and the house has yet to be condemned by the health department… But certainly, that can’t count as my daily bread, right?

What am I missing? 

How do I reclaim my contentment and my joy? 

How do I ensure my soul stays well-fed?

Where does my passion now lie?

It used to lie in my journey towards ordained ministry. My passion has always been for the Spiritual and the seeking out of the Divine hand guiding our daily lives. 

But, I’ll be honest, I don’t feel much like trusting the Divine hand in my daily life.

It was that Hand that led me into the Lion’s den (aka Seminary) and although I wasn’t devoured, I still feel maimed. 

Am I blaming God?

No… But as a Survivor, I’ve cut God a lot of slack. I don’t blame Him for my childhood, or the sexual assaults, or the domestic violence, or losing my son Ezra, or the untold number of mistakes I’ve made on my own…

However, I followed Him there.

I walked right into what has led to my current undoing. 

Why?

Why?

Lord, how can I trust you again? Look at my life– look at all the misery and suffering and pain– and tell me how I am supposed to believe You’ve got my back?

::sigh::

I’ve been here before… And here is where I will stay until I admit to my struggle to trust again. 

Since that’s exactly what I just got done doing here (ha! You just received my confession! And there’s no take-backsies!) now I’ll wait. 

I pray I won’t be disappointed. 

I know I won’t be. 

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8 thoughts on “Everyday Bread

  1. I’m resigned to the fact that MY idea of good is not quite on par with God’s idea of good. He’s put a lot of time and effort into helping me see the good right in front of me, but I’m shamelessly human. And I’ll freely admit– I need Him more and more, not less, as I grow spiritually. The more I learn, the less I find I truly know…. And the more dependent I am on His Grace:)

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  2. I love your very honest philosophising. It’s refreshing to read such authentic honesty. It’s very much my style too. Keep it up lovely 😊

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  3. Right after finishing college I had a series of prophetic dreams. I kept having them and then literally walking into the situations that they would depict. It kind of gave me the willies.
    To make a long story short, I soon ended up at the seminary to sort it all out. Then it all began all over again. I’d had a dream before we left, and now I was walking right into it. We eventually found a house and every detail of it, inside, outside, and the surrounding area had been detailed in the dream. But that wasn’t the part that bothered me so much. It was the message of the dream. You are in danger and you will leave the seminary before you finish the course. Freak out!
    It did become dangerous and I did leave before completing the course. It was one of the most discouraging situations I’d gone through in life up to that time.
    Almost 20 years later, I received the gift of spiritual hearing. One of the very first things I wanted to sort out was that dream and my seminary experience. I could talk directly to Yahweh now, so it was time to get these things worked out.
    The Spirit was quite frank with me. I’d had the dream before leaving for the seminary. “Why did you go,” it asked, “after I warned you in a dream that it would be dangerous and that you would not finish the course.” I honestly thought that was the only way I could do it – to reach out in an effective way.
    I guess that wasn’t the case and i smarted for ignoring that admonition for many years thereafter.
    The hard thing to get a grip on in all of this, and something that the Spirit reminded me of that day was, that Yahweh has largely left and is no longer working within the church structures. It has become role play, a game of charades.
    He is now working in individuals. These have been in hidden places, scattered around the world for some time, and are just now coming back out into the light where they can be seen.
    If Almighty has called you from the seminary, it is a very good thing, and as far as the ecclesia goes (the called out ones), there is a very good chance you might be one of them.

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    1. Wow. Our stories are so similar, it’s creepy, lol!

      God knows me. He knows how stubborn I am. Knows I needed Seminary to validate something I already knew, but didn’t want to believe. He knew I was going, no matter what…. So He sent the dream to my husband. Right before we moved on-campus– “Beware of the Vipers”.

      Phew… I wish He would have stopped me. But that isn’t how our freedom works, lol!

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