Our family prays the Lord’s Prayer every night.
Even our youngest, at 3 years old, recites every word from memory. Although he has yet to give up the habit of praying to “Our Father, who art in Kevin…” Kevin is a family friend studying for ordained ministry, so, “in heaven” or “in Kevin”, same difference;)
Every night, without fail, my attention focuses on our request for our daily bread. I never can quite pray that line whole-heartedly. And I totally feel guilty over it.
I am never content with my daily bread.
Ok, not never. There have been a few stretches in my adult life where I’ve been able to experience sheer joy in the present moment, and embrace each day with grateful zeal.
But that hasn’t been the case for me in quite some time…
Now the weight of ever-present bills, the daily needs of my children, the constant barrage of housework, and the fact that there really isn’t any part of my life lived for me at the moment… That steals my joy.
The bills somehow get paid, my kids have survived thus far, and the house has yet to be condemned by the health department… But certainly, that can’t count as my daily bread, right?
What am I missing?
How do I reclaim my contentment and my joy?
How do I ensure my soul stays well-fed?
Where does my passion now lie?
It used to lie in my journey towards ordained ministry. My passion has always been for the Spiritual and the seeking out of the Divine hand guiding our daily lives.
But, I’ll be honest, I don’t feel much like trusting the Divine hand in my daily life.
It was that Hand that led me into the Lion’s den (aka Seminary) and although I wasn’t devoured, I still feel maimed.
Am I blaming God?
No… But as a Survivor, I’ve cut God a lot of slack. I don’t blame Him for my childhood, or the sexual assaults, or the domestic violence, or losing my son Ezra, or the untold number of mistakes I’ve made on my own…
However, I followed Him there.
I walked right into what has led to my current undoing.
Lord, how can I trust you again? Look at my life– look at all the misery and suffering and pain– and tell me how I am supposed to believe You’ve got my back?
I’ve been here before… And here is where I will stay until I admit to my struggle to trust again.
Since that’s exactly what I just got done doing here (ha! You just received my confession! And there’s no take-backsies!) now I’ll wait.
I pray I won’t be disappointed.
I know I won’t be.