This is the lesson I’m currently being taught by God: that I am wholly dependent upon Him.
And lemme tell ya, this has not been a fun lesson to learn…
I am accustomed to priding myself on my fierce independence and self-sufficiency. But my independence and self- sufficiency are but an illusion. I hate that! ‘I want to take credit for something, God… Can’t you just give me this one thing?!’
In my personal quest for truth and purpose, I’ve been hitting a veritable dead end. If I could only pray enough, or read my Bible enough, or do enough good stuff for others– that should be enough to get me back on track intellectually, right?
But nothing I can do, short of surrendering my current situation to God, will ever be enough to get me from where I am to where I’d like to be.
For reasons I do not understand from where I am, this is where I am to be. I can choose to take back the reins and go my own way in search of greener pastures (like that will even work…), or I can cry “uncle!” and resubmit myself to learning the lessons God has in mind for me in this current time and place.
I’ve tried really hard to just learn more stuff about God, in hopes that would effect my release… Nope. I have an inkling that the lessons God has in mind here are about me, and I will never learn them if I insist upon focusing on anything other than what God intends me to learn.
I don’t like where I am, but I can’t complain about not having my needs met…. (Actually, I just complain about that anyway, because I’m human. And an unruly one at that).
I wish I were someplace else, but I’ve tried everyway I know how to make that change a reality.
When all else fails, I have to admit that I can’t move from here on my own. I didn’t get to this place on my own… So, yeah. Fat chance I’m moving on from it of my own accord.
And that’s where I am right now. Surrendering to a truth I do not want to accept– I am not the master of my own human existence.
Ok, God. You win. What is it that you have for me here and now?