Separate

My Woodsman and I … We aren’t doing so well. As spouses, I mean.

I thought long and hard before trying to blog about this. But, I’ve never been one to shy away from the messiness of authenticity…Why start now?

Marriage is hard. No doubt about it. And we’ve had more than our fair share of challenges the past few years… But that’s no excuse. 

We screwed up. Big time.

Now, I have to say we, because marriage involves two people. Even if I do not believe I, myself, am at fault here, we both are failing. It matters not who is to blame, the result is the same: failure.

I love being a mother. I love being a friend. But I am beginning to hate being a wife. 

Too much drama. Too much hurt. Far too much hurt.

Outside of my marriage, I am invincible. Within it, I am broken.

I don’t know when that changed. It used to be that we made each other better people. It’s why we got married, after all. 

Somewhere along the line, it hurt more to be together than it did to be apart. 

I, honestly, have no idea where God will lead either of us from here. God hates divorce, blah blah blah…

I think God also hates to watch nuclear families self-destruct because no one is brave enough to say ‘no more!’.

I have a strange peace about this recent separation. I’m not trying to look past the next day. I’m fine just being separate. For now. 

Maybe, God will work a miracle. It’s possible. But in the meantime, I’m just resting in His love for me. Because sometimes, miracles take time.

All I have right now– literally– is time. 

I plan to use it wisely.

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15 thoughts on “Separate

  1. I feel your pain here and understand wholeheartedly the contrast you speak of with your marriage. Indeed, may you be blessed in whatever way serves your highest good and happiness. Til then, happy to hear you are feeling loved and a little peace ❤

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  2. I always appreciate your honesty, Kristen. What if all Christians were so brave? My guess is there would be more assistance in helping couples work through their marriages in meaningful ways. Our rough patch was year three…literally, we struggled for an entire year. Something big that only God could create was the bridge we needed to reunite. Praying you all will find yours as well. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you, Lauren!

      My hope and prayer is, that by being transparent here through the thick of it, other couples facing the same rough patches can find strength and encouragement to face whatever is challenging their own marriages.
      There are A LOT of broken Christian marriages… I saw this at Seminary. To continue in a broken marriage is misery… I saw it on the faces of many.
      I refuse to believe that God calls us to suffer in misery for the sake of appearances. I’ll risk the judgment of others in making the changes that set the stage for joyful contentment. The alternative is unacceptable!

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  3. Separation for a time can be a good thing to give you two time to reflect on the challenges you face in the marriage and what can be done. I’m a firm believer in the permanence of marriage and keeping the promises we’ve made, but I can’t judge. I would suggest to seek out a good christian marriage counselor if you haven’t already, before divorce is considered.

    I want you to read this post of mine which I hope helps a little
    https://caesar2016.wordpress.com/2016/06/20/just-children/
    Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who has never been in a relationship. God Bless

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    1. I share your perspective on the permanency of marriage… I know that if this dissolves into divorce, I am done being married. And, I’m at peace with that. I hope it never comes to that… But if it does, I’m prepared. I know that’s a very unpopular perspective in many contemporary Christian circles, but only God can dissolve a marriage unless one of the partners is unfaithful. It’s designed that way for a reason! Even the best Marriages are hard work.

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  4. I’m in a state of weariness with my marriage too and the thought of separating has crossed my mind on many occasions. I just don’t have the means to do it. The other night, I was reading in bed and my silent little world abruptly ended with my husband turning on the tv. I mean, who does that? And then it was him chomping on chips and I rolled over completely pissed off at the total lack of thoughtfulness of this man. It’s a lot of little ways that can’t be explained. It’s the neglect that kills me. And i’ve talked it to death. It’s basically like he lacks empathy, not always but often. It’s been years of a thousand thoughtless moments. If I could move out, I would. It sounds trite to some but love and selfishness can’t exist together. I guess I’m tired of giving with no reciprocation.

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    1. I think human beings either grow in love or regress back into selfishness — there is no stasis for us.
      My separation has already reaped rewards as far as coming to a point of understanding. It was a unique situation that made it possible for me to do it, lol! The door suddenly opened, and I was ready to step through.
      It’s far too easy to lose sight of what matters… But I kind of think it’s even easier for men to do so. Especially when couples are in more traditional roles, like in our homeschooling families.

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      1. I agree about the first statement you made. Tonight was another fight. I brought up an issue. He told me I get upset about weird things. He doesn’t think what he does is wrong. He says I’m believing lies. Whatever that means. I think if the door opened, I’d walk through it too.

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  5. “I, honestly, have no idea where God will lead either of us from here. God hates divorce, blah blah blah…

    I think God also hates to watch nuclear families self-destruct because no one is brave enough to say ‘no more!’.”

    This is very wise, Kristen. And even if God did hate divorce (which I’m really not so sure about), that doesn’t equate to God hating you. Or your husband. As you so often tell me… God loves you. You’re a beautiful person. This is a very hard time, but I’m so glad that you are able to rest in God’s peace.

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