Never underestimate the ability of a painful experience to undercut your self-concept.
That’s where I am right now– assessing the collateral damage after enduring a year from hell (if you are new to my blog, you’re gonna need to read this first).
And, let me tell ya, it’s not pretty.
I used to be a rather outgoing, self-confident, and passionate individual. I had vision. Dreams for the future, and the self-efficacy to make them into reality.
Now I feel timid. Uncertain. Maybe even afraid?
Who is this strange creature that asks ‘what if’?
Where is the defiant young woman to exclaim ‘why not’?
What if she’s gone for good? What if this is just who I am now– cautious and overly self-conscious?
Humility is a good thing. A sober self-assessment is wise. However, this recent dive in my moxie goes way beyond balancing the innate strength of my personality. It may even border on the pathological.
I need a win.
I need to remember who I was before the brood of vipers cast me as their prey. I need to revive my inner sense of strength and purpose. My strength and purpose– that impelled me come hell or high water — is but a distant memory, fading ever further from view.
Can I bounce back from this?
I need to believe that I can.
I need to believe that ‘they’ were wrong about me. I need to believe that I am indeed worthy of living out my calling.
And so, I have a burning message for every single person that rejected or abandoned me and mine when we needed the support of the Body of Believers the most:
You SUCK. Big time.
While I will forgive your lapse in virtue, I will never forget your utter failure in love. Sorry (not at all sorry).
You may believe that you have won here. Yes, you were allowed to successfully banish me while completely devastating my hopes and dreams. And for that:
You did me a huge solid on my Christian path, because my hopes and dreams constantly got in the way of realizing His hopes and dreams for me. Your evil forced me to clear out what was cluttering my own heart and make room for even more of His goodness.
Bet you didn’t see that coming, but, I’m pretty sure He did.
The truth is, I will bounce back from this. And not out of my own dwindling strength and power, but through His.
I may not know the when, but I do know the how:
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:13 (NRSV)