On Things I wish I didn’t know

Growing up as I did, then, maturing in the circles that I did, THEN going to school for what I did (Criminal Justice) leaves very little to my human imagination.

Sometimes, I wish I couldn’t so deftly recognize illegal activity among my neighbors.

Sometimes, I wish I could take what other people say to me as the God’s honest truth.

But, I know better.

I’ve written much on this blog about the difficulty I have with being “wise as serpents”. It’s because I’m too wise for my own good, it seems.

I’ve fought God on this, tooth and nail. I want to believe that people are naturally good. I want to believe that they tell the whole truth. However, I know they do not.

It’s been a very good thing in my life to assume that everyone around me feels as compelled to tell the truth as I do…at least, I thought so.

My disillusionment with the whole of the human race has been painful, yet necessary. 

Maybe it’s because I was raised by a serial liar (my father), or because my younger sister could not tell the truth if her life depended upon it, but I no longer believe what I hear with my ears. I believe what I hear in my soul. 

If you’ve been fortunate enough to not need to develop the need to distinguish between what you hear with your ears and then hear with your soul– I’m truly envious of you. I want to know the rock you have been living beneath all these years, and join you there!

It was so much easier to pretend everyone around me was naturally God-oriented and good. Because, now that I know better, I need God even more than I ever thought I did.

I no longer get to make my own way in this life. It matters not that I never could. I bought into the lie. 

That is my most egregious sin– that I heard the Truth, and knew the Truth, but pretended otherwise.

God, forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me. 

Truly, I am not better than anyone else. I need the grace of God as much as any other– despite the spiritual gifts I was born having. I have used them in vain.

May God grant me a second chance to rely on Him alone, rather than succumb to the temptation of popularity. Amen.

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4 thoughts on “On Things I wish I didn’t know

    1. Thank you for commenting! It’s a real struggle to integrate our knowledge of the world and our experience of it into our relationship with God.

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  1. I have said similar things. “I wish I could wear the rose colored glasses! I wish I could drink the kool-aid! Why can’t I think the best of everyone? I want to think everything is awesome too!” Lol

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