Since moving here, and finding new daily rhythms in our lives here, God has forced me to fully confront my lack of contentment with motherhood.
I had grand plans for myself and my human life. Too bad they didn’t reflect His plans for it…
He has given me everything I need to be successful as a homeschooling, stay-at-home-mother. And, not to brag, but it’s mostly effortless for me. Mostly. I’m not sure there is a human being currently walking the Earth that could be completely successful raising four equally strong-willed and spirited children. (If there is, I’m voting for their canonization as Saints.)
Why isn’t being a good-enough mother enough for me?
Because I’m still prideful.
I was born with many natural gifts, and graced with more spiritual ones, and my ego thinks that being a mother is a poor use for my particular skill set.
Yeah. My ego is a total ingrate. Apparently, shepherding four young souls is a ‘waste’ of my human genius.
If only my ego, the old Adam that still rears his ugly head, could have been banished the moment I gained entrance into the family of God. Why wasn’t he?
I wish I could answer that question.
I wish I could just be free of my self-fueled discontent. Life would be so much easier…
The only semi-adequate answer I can come up with is that God still loves ALL of me. And because God sees all of me, and still loves all of me, God preserves all of me.
What the hell is God thinking?!
Can’t He see the propensity for evil that my ego presents?
Apparently, yes. Yes He can. And He prefers to work with it rather than obliterating it entirely (which was my suggestion that was shot down immediately).
What I’m left with is an utter marveling at the Love of God. That He could love this particular sinner, just as I am…It blows my human mind.
All of the resistance and complaining He receives from me. Daily. And… He still Loves me.
Likely, I don’t even deserve to have a vocation. At all. Yet, I’ve been entrusted with four much beloved souls.
Not to question your wisdom, God, but really? Entrusted to me?! I can’t even begin to appreciate what that means, let alone find contentment in living up to the life you’ve called me into.
Maybe that’s the secret to contentment–pure and utter marveling at God.
It certainly puts my cantankerous ego in its place.
Thank you for loving the parts of me that even I cannot bring myself to love.